Birthing and Rebirthing Atticus

On the 1st September 2020, after what seemed to be one of the loneliest and longest nights I've ever experienced, I watched the sun rise out of the window of the hospital room window with nervous excitement as I knew I would soon be meeting my baby. The baby that I had nurtured for the past 7 months and longed to meet.

Through the night I'd been told that I would be induced during the early hours of the morning as there was significant concerns about the ongoing health of my baby if they were to remain in my womb as I had sepsis caused by a infection in my womb. I had counted the hours through the night and sat thinking about what our meeting would be like. I was apprehensive about being induced. As an avid reader, I knew how different labour can be when Pitocin is used but I was most worried about how I was going to get through labour and birth when I was feeling so ill. There was a concern from the health care professionals about my unborn baby but I had a deep faith in them being just fine. I felt connected with my body and my baby.

In the morning, with my induction having been delayed by a few hours, I met the midwife who would be looking after me. I spoke to her about things that I wanted to happen during my labour and birth and things that I definitely didn't want to happen. I was speaking from a place of fear, I was trying to communicate the things that I felt would help give back a little control under the circumstances. In this post I'm not going to go into the details of my birth, that's most definitely a story for another day but one of the main reasons that I wanted and needed to do a rebirthing ceremony with Atticus, was because his birth was so far from what I wanted, it deeply saddened me to think that it would be my lasting memory of his journey into this world.

Whilst I was pregnant, I reconnected with someone I met a few years prior at a wonderful event called the Festival of Motherhood, Lotte. I had always wanted a doula but hadn't hired one with my other babies as circumstances hadn't allowed. My second little girl, Avery, had been birthed at home (a beautiful home birth) but had an emergency transfer to hospital upon her arrival. I suffered with post natal anxiety for around 9 months post her birth, it was all consuming and it was something that I feared reoccurring. With that in the back of my mind alongside being very conscious about this birth being a healing process for my eldest daughter, Eloise, who had observed her baby sister and Mommy leaving in an ambulance and with Covid, I knew I needed more support this time around. I chose to work with Lotte for the rest of my pregnancy and for my post natal period. Covid meant that we couldn't meet in person and that I couldn't have her at my birth but I was determined to be as calm as possible going into my birth and feel loved, supported and cared for after having my baby and I certainly have felt all of those things.

I gave birth to Atticus at a little after 1pm, he was born healthy which meant that we could delay his cord being clamped and have skin to skin contact with him before him being admitted to the neonatal unit for observation. As he was born at 33+3 and it was explained to me that he may need a little oxygen but on the whole, he looked really healthy but time would tell. Well, time did tell, on day three of his life he went into respiratory arrest and had to be transferred to the Intensive Care Unit (ICU). Everyone in ICU was amazing at both caring for him and making sure that we understood where he was in terms of his health. It was a horrendously scary time that was made more difficult by Covid in terms of visiting and being there for my girls back home.

I was speaking with my doula regularly via text message and phone call throughout all of this and when we were discharged two weeks later we began discussions on how we might begin our healing process. She suggested that perhaps I might like to think about a rebirthing ceremony. Honestly, there was no question. I needed to create some beauty. I needed to reconnect with my baby and having been through a similar but less serious experience with Avery, I knew how important it was to invest in myself and my healing early on.

We planned the most wonderful rebirthing ceremony, it included everything that I would have done had I have had the birth that I wanted, the only part that was missing was Atticus passing through the birth canal. Lotte arranged for a herbal bath to be sent to me at home, it included lots of healing herbs that were to be brewed on the stove until ready to be added to a bath.

We started the ceremony when my Mom arrived to take our daughters out for a few hours, perhaps what would have happened if Atti was born at home, like we had planned. I had made a hearty and warming vegetable stew which they enjoyed whilst I had some time connecting with Atti and just observing them from the next room. I was in a meditative state, hearing what was going on around me but wholeheartedly concentrating on the little bundle in my arms. When they were all packed up to leave, I said goodbye and headed upstairs to get into the bath that my husband, Gareth, had run for me. He had prepared the herbs, the whole house smelt absolutely amazing. The room filled with candles, lights dimmed and my birthing playlist on. I got into the bath on my own, I sat listening to the music, closed my eyes whilst Atti was having skin to skin with Gareth in our bedroom.

Gareth brought him into me, placed him into the water between my legs and we both just sat observing him until the time felt right to bring him up out of the water and onto my chest. Naturally, he wanted to nurse, it was so calm, peaceful and exactly how things would have been. We stayed there together as Gareth went downstairs to warm our stew, it was in that moment that a particular song took me back to the fear that I felt lying in the hospital bed the night before his birth. I held onto my baby boy and sobbed. It felt like I let go of all the fear surrounding my illness, the worry about whether he would be born healthy and whether he would recover post his illness. It was one of the most healing moments of my life.

After the bath we climbed into bed together, Gareth, Atti and myself. We ate, we chatted, laughed and cried. It was absolutely what we needed. A few 'golden hours' spent together with our new baby, cooing over him, showering him with our love, studying his beautiful face and talking about the things that we had been through.

When the girls arrived home, we celebrated with a birthday cake, it was his 'due date' and so it felt natural to celebrate his birth-day. We feasted together as a family and all climbed into bed together that evening for a special cosy cuddle before sleeping.

We will be eternally grateful for those moments spent together with our baby. It was the 'birth' that we always dreamed of. We have a content and healthy little boy that may have had a very scary start to life, but whom is blossoming, he is absolute perfection and is adored so greatly by us all.

The doula I speak so highly of throughout this story is the beautiful Lotte, Nurture and Nest. To contact Lotte, please visit https://www.nurtureandnest.co.uk/home. I would have her at my side over and over and, as a doula, that is the highest praise anyone could give.